About Me

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I love to create, be a mom, a wife, a teacher, and a Jesus follower. These are just some of the musings about who I am!

Saturday, August 22, 2015

Quarter Mile...

When I began running in University, I ran in the basement of the boys' dormitory on a treadmill.  It was hard work.  I was not a good runner.  Red-faced, I would watch that blinking red light move slowly around the circle, knowing when it made the bottom, I was finished one lap:  1/4 mile done.  3 more laps to go.

Well, on Tuesday my blinking chemo light reached the bottom for the first time.  I've completed 2 of my 8 treatments.  1/4 way done.  

Sometimes I think this is a good way to look at things.  Other times I think I'm damning myself.  I mean, I still have 6 treatments left.  The second half of my treatment is a full month longer than the first, to boot.  

But, I need to feel like I'm moving forward; growing nearer to ending this phase of treatment.  I never thought I would feel like this.  I have been doing really well--only a little bit of exhaustion and some minor stomach issues.  The thing is, when you don't feel like yourself, you don't feel like yourself.
Heck, right now I don't even look like myself (enter buzzed hair because it was falling out by the hand full).  

I praise God because I am a quarter of the way done.  I praise God because I have been feeling relatively good.  I praise God for the generosity and care of my friends and family.  I praise Him because He is good, and good is coming from all this pain.

There is a crying out, too.  I cry out to God because I know that there is more to life than this.  I cry out to Him because in some ways I feel like only a fragment of my former self (I also feel very much more whole in other ways).  I cry out to Him for the child that we have loved and lost.  I cry out to Him for healing.

Friends, as I move through each day, knowing that the darned little red light on my chemo treadmill is inching ever closer to the goal, sometimes I want to give up because it feels too hard and sometimes I want to run as fast as my little body can take me to the finish line.  Strange paradox for sure.  



3 comments:

gretaw said...

Tracy, thank you for your honesty. I appreciate that you share all the different things you are thankful to God for but still also what you cry out to God for. I'm trying to read the Psalm each day with you. Peace to you.

Nancy's Notes said...

Tracy, you are loved....fight on and keep trusting. You have a gift for writing as well as for crafting....keep writing, too! God is teaching you so much through this! You are growing, changing and becoming more compassionate. Praise God for His love in you and through you to others.

Beth said...

I continue to pray for you and your family! I am blessed by your determination to praise God throughout this time!