June 3, 2015

June 3 was the best day.  I don't often have to work outside the home, but on this day I was...I kept getting phone messages from home, and once I was able, I called back.  Jason just said, "we got matched!!"  And Korban was shouting with joy in the background.  One of the messages they left, Korban's voice was elated and I could hear him in the background saying, "happy dance!"

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This is the chalkboard that I wrote that day...

I even bought us a cake to celebrate.  Such good, happy  news.

We found out baby is a boy.  We named him Emmett.  

Then, I got diagnosed with cancer.  I cried big, nasty, weeping-out-loud-in-the-hospital-stairs cries.  And all but a shred of hope for our boy disappeared.  

Today, Chemo day number 1, I got the call.  That boy will not get to be ours.  

Friends, this is the worst part of this whole ordeal.  I can deal with hair loss and nausea and fatigue.  I can handle surgery and radiation.  I can beat cancer.  But today, I feel like a grieving mother who has just lost her long-awaited-for boy.  My heart is so sad...

I know that God has a plan.  I don't understand it, or even like it very much at this moment, but I have to trust that He knows best.  Would you please pray for us as we grieve this loss?  

It stings like crazy...