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I love to create, be a mom, a wife, a teacher, and a Jesus follower. These are just some of the musings about who I am!

Tuesday, August 04, 2015

June 3, 2015

June 3 was the best day.  I don't often have to work outside the home, but on this day I was...I kept getting phone messages from home, and once I was able, I called back.  Jason just said, "we got matched!!"  And Korban was shouting with joy in the background.  One of the messages they left, Korban's voice was elated and I could hear him in the background saying, "happy dance!"

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This is the chalkboard that I wrote that day...


I even bought us a cake to celebrate.  Such good, happy  news.



We found out baby is a boy.  We named him Emmett.  

Then, I got diagnosed with cancer.  I cried big, nasty, weeping-out-loud-in-the-hospital-stairs cries.  And all but a shred of hope for our boy disappeared.  

Today, Chemo day number 1, I got the call.  That boy will not get to be ours.  

Friends, this is the worst part of this whole ordeal.  I can deal with hair loss and nausea and fatigue.  I can handle surgery and radiation.  I can beat cancer.  But today, I feel like a grieving mother who has just lost her long-awaited-for boy.  My heart is so sad...

I know that God has a plan.  I don't understand it, or even like it very much at this moment, but I have to trust that He knows best.  Would you please pray for us as we grieve this loss?  
It stings like crazy...

5 comments:

Inga said...

I hold you and your family in my heart ..... I cry for you .... you are strong and I can see that smile in all that you do. You guys are my super hero's ! Biggest hobbit hugs to you all!

Beth said...

My heart is broken for you and for Emmett. Remembering you and your family often in my prayers. I know God can and will uphold you...hugs from Washington!

jackiemaker said...

I am so sorry. i have no words. I am grieving for you. I don't understand. I trust God. I love you.
For he has not despised or scorned the suffering of the afflicted one; he has not hidden his face from him but has listened to his cry for help (Psalm 22:24).

Andrea said...

We pray for you around the dinner table each and every day...and will continue to do so! Wish we could be there in person to give you hugs and lend a listening ear. Love you guys!

Nicole said...

Tracy, I have been out of the loop for a LONG while and just today read through your blog. Oh my word. I am not sure what to say except that God is big and cancer is small in comparison to Him. But that probably doesn't change these everyday sad realities around you. I prayed for you this morning and will continue to pray God gives you everything you need for each new day. You are already handling this with grace and faith - what an encouragement to many. Much Love and hugs from Texas!