Well friends, it is Sunday. My family just left for church. I usually ride with them, help fold bulletins, get the coffee ready, or just sit and watch my kiddos play while I wait for the service to begin. I have been giving the children's message at this church each Sunday service for nearly 6 years.
Today, I'm hanging back, waiting to go late so that I can sneak in and leave again before the service ends. My immune system has been compromised. My faith has not.
The doctor told me I am not even supposed to go. Not go? I don't even know if I know how to do that. Not go. I'm not a "not go" kind of girl.
I know this is only for a short period (Lord, have mercy), but this is harder than I ever thought. I took a walk with my boys yesterday and it felt so normal. The sun was shining, we were all happy...I almost thought maybe it was all a bad dream. But alas, here I sit, waiting to arrive to church late, worried because the electric razor that was supposed to safely remove the rest of my underarm hair actually cut me and now I have to pay attention to it for risk of infection. Sheesh.
We have started reading a Psalm a day, meditating on those truths that were spoken so long ago. I love the emotion and relatability of them. David was raw. So am I. I swing between strong and broken, depending on who is in the room.
This trial by fire will produce a refined me, a better me. I am clinging to that. I am hanging on to the dream of years to come where I love better and live better. Praise God that He is the refiner, pulling this cancer from my life. You see, I'm learning that this affliction is not just of my body, but of my heart. My body is broken, yes, but at this moment my heart is broken more. Oh how I need a great repair, a master-craftsman to make me me whole again. I, in all my creativity and productivity, can not do it on my own.
So, here's to days yet to come. Days full of restored hearts, mended breasts, cancer-free me living life full.
I added this picture because it was one of those days. I was living in my long-haired glory (ha!) and we were full of love and life and freedom. May there be many more glory-filled days yet.