Ever wonder what goes through my mind between 2:45am and 5:30am? Well, here is your big ticket!
My Grandma Kathy is dying. She is suffering from liver failure due to having Hepatitis C for many years. I never knew what happened when your liver starts to fail, but I can tell you I wish it on no person. My grandma is dying a horrible and painful death. I lie awake while feeding Shalem thinking about the pain she is in and the impact it is having on her loved ones.
I hope and pray that it ends soon, for everyone's sake. It is a funny thing to hope for and I've never done it before-hope for death, a phrase I never imagined I'd feel or utter.
Then I hear the dog whimper...and Jason dutifully gets up and takes her out because I am feeding the baby. This is the third night this week she has gotten up in the middle of the night, so I am thinking something is wrong. They are gone a long time so I am imagining something bad like she ate something awful and it is stuck and needs surgery. He comes back informing me that things are loose-"Good," I think!! Only about 20 minutes later she whines again. This time he just opens the door and lets her out. Which, if we had a fenced yard wouldn't be a problem. Or, if she went out and came right back. She doesn't and again, I'm imagining something bad...like her scratching on the neighbors door to ask for her friend Lola to come out and play. Jason stands on our porch in the snow calling her. Nothing. (Remember, we live in community and it is 4 in the morning) 10 minutes go by and she comes back, this time with a tape worm hanging out her butt. Lovely. Now we have another dilema on our hands (or in our tummy's).
After that settles situation dies down I allow my mind to move on. Now I'm remembering some of my good friends from Hawaii who's lives have changed dramatically since I lived there. My heart hurts again because of the direction their lives have gone. I search my brain and my heart for a way to fix them. There is none but trust and prayer.
Perhaps these hours of the night are really the "witching hour," when thoughts run wild and your emotions are heightened. I don't know, but I certainly hope that tonight my eyes, mind, and heart are all closed for business between 3-5am.