The Greenest Fall

Fall seems to have been turned on suddenly, as one would turn on a light in the darkness.  One day it was hot, the next there was a crisp in the air and the rains came rolling in behind it.  I'm glad the air has gone cold, it gives me excuse to cover my patchy hair without looking out of place.  Small mercies.

Fall is a time for pumpkin spiced everything, soups and stews, chunky knit sweaters, and a colour palette that blows your mind.  Why, then, am I seeing so much green?  The rain, you say?
Well, no.  I wish the rain is what caused the green I see.

Jealousy.  That's the thing.  I'm seeing green of a different sort, and it isn't pretty.  This is the green that sticks to your thoughts and colours what you see in ugly.  I've never thought myself the jealous type.  I'm generally pretty happy with what I have, not worried about my husband sewing wild oats, and don't wish to have Julia Robert's legs (I've got them...ha!).  

No, this is new.  This is the type of thought that comes now when I see a happy woman with long beautiful hair walking down the street.  As I watched a football game on tv last Saturday, I wished to be carefree like the youth cheering on their favourite team.  This is the jealousy that comes from being sick and not wanting to be any longer.

It is sort of a double edged sword, however.  Another realization has come too, one that produces good fruit (instead of the ugly green jealous kind).  I'm way more compassionate than I was even just two months ago.  You see, now when I look at people, I don't assume what I don't know.  I looked just fine, but a monster was growing in my breast.  Even after diagnosis, I was still healthy and happy looking...fear and turmoil lurking just under the surface and behind closed doors.  That presupposition that someone else's grass is greener is gone--you just never know what people are dealing with.

So, how then to move on?  Well, a wise friend sat with me on Sunday at church (I was well enough to go, hooray!) and taught me a lesson.  We chatted only briefly, but it helped put this jealousy issue in a new place for me.  He reminded me of the Beattitudes in the book of Matthew.  We've heard them a hundred times or more, and yet this time, they fell fresh on me.  Here's an excerpt from the Message Bible:

"You're blessed when you're at the end of your rope.  With less of you there is more of God and his rule.

You're blessed when you feel you've lost what is most dear to you.  Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you.

You're blessed when you're content with just who you are--no more, no less.  That's the moment you find yourselves proud owners of everything that can't be bought.

You're blessed when you've worked up a good appetite for God.  He's food and drink in the best meal you'll ever eat.

You're blessed when you care.  At the moment of being 'care-full,' you find yourselves cared for.

You're blessed when you get your inside world--your mind and heart--put right.  Then you can see God in the outside world."

This, this is the colour I long to paint my fall in.  A rich palette of depth and beauty, not some ugly green that blocks my sight-line.  Oh that I would be blessed.  Not #blessed like so many pepper their latest media post with (I may or may not be guilty of using that hashtag), but a blessing of depth that I have experienced only on occasion.  May this season, the beautiful fall we find ourselves in, be blessed beyond measure and colourful beyond compare.

(image source)