Leaning In

It is Saturday morning.  Breakfast is finished, Jason is out hunting, and the boys are watching cartoons.  I'm contemplating my life.  Hmmm...

A few days ago I crossed the halfway mark with regards to my chemo treatments.  I have a total of 8 treatments and I've been given 4.  The time has gone quickly by.  The second half may not speed by because the treatments change to 3 week intervals (instead of 2).  New drug, new side-effects.  I'm a little nervous.

I've been thinking a lot this week about what has become of my life.  It looks next to nothing like I thought it would 3 months ago.  And yet, there is so much good here.  I don't know what the future holds, but I'm living today.  

I read this morning, "We should never forget that redemption, the world's greatest blessing, is the fruit of the world's greatest sorrow."  I feel that type of depth these days.  That out of my suffering and pain is coming something beautiful.  I don't say that to boast or brag (have you seen my hair these days?!?), but rather because I want to nurture and grow that beauty so much.  

If I am blessed to live another 30 years, I want my life to be marked by that beauty, not by the suffering that bore it. Does that make sense?  Out of some of the deepest, darkest ashes come the most radiant of flowers.  This, this is what I want.  

Only by allowing myself to be burned, to be turned into a place of true renewal, will I be able to live like that--to give Glory to God.  So how do I do this?  How do I look beyond my bald head, bruised breast, and languid eyes?

By leaning in.  When I want to run...lean in.  When I am tired and feel like throwing in the towel...lean in.  When my body is broken beyond recognition...lean in.  

What is this, "leaning in?"  It is trusting when I can do nothing else.  It is spending time in the word when I want to sleep.  It is praying when I am out of words.  It is watching and waiting for the beauty to grow when all I can see is brokenness.  Leaning in like never before.  Needing Him like never before.

This morning, as I contemplate what was and what is, I stop to lean in.  To read, pray, and trust.  Friends, whatever place you are in life, there is always room to lean in.  And beauty will come from those ashes...