Three Days In

I'm sitting on my couch, listening to worship music, watching my boys snuggle and read together, with a horrible taste in my mouth.  Chemo taste.  I can't explain it, but it is ever-present and taints all good things.  Dr. Pepper is ruined.  (ha!)

Today has been a hard one for me.  I can't explain it.  I think I got set off about the time that both sets of keys got locked in our only car this morning.  Did I mention we live 30 minutes from a locksmith?  When it rains, it pours people.  No worries, after about 1.5 hours worth of travel and a borrowed car from a nice neighbour, we were back in business.

I travelled to town today to discuss my work situation with my ever-so-supportive bosses.  So thankful to have their backing and prayers and love.

Next I went to the pharmacist.  Can I just say how truly grateful I am to live in a country with access to healthcare?  I picked up $2000 worth of shots today (more on this in a minute) and I paid nothing.  Nothing.  Praise God for mercies like this.  

So, shots.  Yup, I get to inject myself for 8 consecutive days in between each round of chemo with a drug to boost my immune system.  I know some people have to do this sort of thing all the time, but that first shot was tough.  1 down, 63 left to go.  Maybe this is one thing I shouldn't count.  

I want to take a moment to say thank you.  I have felt so loved and supported and prayed for and lifted up by you all.  This has been the toughest thing I have ever had to face.  I want to put on a happy face and be strong for my kids.  But, y'all, this is a game changer.  I cry in private so they aren't afraid.  Today, more than other days, I feel like I could just cry and cry and cry.  Your words and messages and prayers are like healing balm to our broken hearts.  Thank you.

I also just want to say, I'm not angry.  I've said this before, I don't like it or understand it, but I can do nothing but trust in my Good God.  He knows the plans He has for me.  His ways are greater than mine.  He is big enough to lean hard into...and lean hard I have been doing.  There is a tendency to rely on the medicine:  I'm taking so much of it and so often...  I want to rely on Him.  Lord, have mercy.  Help me continue to fall before you as I fight this battle, relying on you for my healing and complete restoration.