Perspecitve Revisited

So, that was me-all smiles and looking good--before the craft fair.  Why, you ask, wasn't there an after picture?  Ok, so maybe you didn't ask, but I'm going to tell you.  Because I was a hot, stinking mess! 

 

I got home from the craft fair and lost it. 

 

Ugly crying, you know the kind...red face, nose running, the whole works.

 

Let me back up first and tell a little about my day.  I got to my table, everything was all ready to go, and in comes a customer (it was a slow day, they sort of trickled in one at a time it seemed).  She read my sign and then moved on.  As I could see her lips moving while she read, I fought back tears.  I didn't realize the weight of what I was doing.  Yesterday was my feeble attempt to help bring home my baby.  It was heavier than I thought...

 

 

Let me just say it here, I am so thankful for our church family.  We are a part of a three site church and so many of our friends came out to support us!  Most of the items I sold were to church members.  That support feels so great.   I also want to give a public shout out to my mom.  She has been crafting her heart away too...crocheting so much, as a way to support us.  I am so thankful to have such a caring momma! 

Really, I felt so encouraged from both friends and strangers.  One mom in particular, another vender at the show, really has a gift of encouraging.  I'd never met her before, but she came by at least 3 times to encourage me in what I was doing.  What a blessing she was!  Even today I got an email on Etsy from another lady I met yesterday, saying she wanted to buy a few more things.  Provision!

 

But, back to the sale...people came, some bought and some didn't.  That's ok, my style is not everyone else's style.  I get it.  What I didn't get until I was sitting at home by myself afterwards was how emotionally wrapped up I was in that day.  I realized (again) how out of control I am in this process.  I couldn't make people buy things. 

 

I was reminded again today of my lack of control.  You see, we're planning a garage sale for May 4.  Jason and I had talked about this date, planned it with another family, and they even got some of their neighbours to have one on the same day.  At church this morning we realized that the date of the sale is the same weekend Jason will be away at a conference! 

 

Me, running a garage sale, with the kids, at someone else's house, BY MYSELF?  Oh boy.  Can you say overwhelmed?  Yeah. 

 

So, I sit at church holding my sleeping 2 year old (love when that happens).  Everyone else is standing and singing.  Jason is holding Korban up, so all I can see are his long, skinny legs and his feet looking all big in a pair of black converse.  I cried big tears all over my sleeping boy's curly hair.  Out of control...Korban is growing up before my eyes, Shalem too, and I have a child I can't bring home right now. 

 

Out of control.  I knew it when we started.  I knew this would be hard.  I thought it would be hard like waiting in line at the grocery store while your kid screams; hard like being a week late for delivering that baby; hard like, I don't know--I just didn't think it would be this hard.

 

It comes down to this.  I am out of control.  I will keep fighting for my child, by sitting at a craft table and having a garage sale, and wearing out the knees on my pants in prayer.  And I will keep my palms lifted high, holding on as loosely as I can to this process because I know that I can not do it on my own.  Out of control, what a bittersweet place to be.